


A Visit from St. Nick

by sunflower1343



Series: Therapy [9]
Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas Crack, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8922580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: Santa bites the bullet and makes a stop at the house of his mortal enemy for the sake of a boy's Christmas.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was just one of those things I wrote to make myself giggle during long work hours, and I decided to share it. Hopefully you'll find some bit of it funny. It has no connection to reality, being the product of a deranged overworked woman the week before Christmas. It does sorta kinda take place in the Therapy universe. Kinda.  
> Written December 2005.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~

_Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except...well...._

 

\--

 

"Where to next, Santa?"

"To our last stop for the night. We're visiting a new house this year, Gary." Santa looked at this year's Helper Elf in annoyance. _Who the hell has an elf named Gary? Whatever happened to the Dobbies of the world?_ The damned elves had been watching too much cable TV for some time now and had all changed their names hoping to update the elf image. At least the little beggars were dressing better. Those curly shoes with the bells made him want to stomp on them.

Sigh. He needed a vacation. "The next home belongs to a young boy who never got to celebrate Christmas. He has a new family though, and they all insisted on it. Well, all but one. _That_ one."

Gary's eyes grew big. "Ooooooh. _He_ lives here?"

_Damn. All the hair gel in the world can't take the cute out of a big-eyed elf._

"Yeah, this is the place. We have to be very careful. Remember what he did to Hinkie that year he caught him."

Gary had a look of terror on his face. "It took a month to pull all that train track out of –"

"Not to mention the caboose had to be complete refitted. Yeah, this is a dangerous one. But the kid is worth it. There are a couple of good ones here really. We owe some presents at this house, so we're going in."

Santa jammed his hat down around his ears. "Invisibility shield?"

"Check!"

"Reindeer mufflers?"

"Check!"

"Child repellent screens?"

"Roger."

Glare.

"Uh, check!"

"Hang on then Gary! We're going in!"

 

\--

 

_The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there..._

 

Asami adjusted the pickup on his Army issue J35S Wireless Motion Sensors, then stuck them back in the tops of the stockings. He already had them installed on the roof and in the chimney. The last time the bastard had put some kind of muffler on the reindeer hooves. This year Asami compensated for it. He'd know the minute they landed. 

Of course, he had to hold off, until they dropped off the kid's presents. But he was ready and waiting.

 

\--

 

_Mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down...._

 

"I'm an assassin, dammit, not a mechanic! How the hell was I supposed to know what a lug nut was?"

Akihito gritted his teeth and continued scraping away. "You should at least have sense enough to know it's not a member of the _pea_ nut family. And even if it were _that_ kind of nut, they wouldn't want peanut _butter_!"

Fei shrugged. "I couldn't find any peanuts. I thought it would do."

"Listen Fei, you've made your point. I'll only ask you to help with the presents if there's one that needs killing."

Fei sidled closer, picking up the jar of peanut butter. "Don't frown so, Akihito." He scooped some out with a finger and began to lick it off in long strokes. "Mmmm. So gooood."

Akihito looked at him sternly. Well, as sternly as anyone could. "Do you want your son to cry in the morning?"

Fei pulled his finger out of his mouth, sucking noisily. "That'th low. You know he comes firtht with me. Why elthe would I be up here...?" He waved his hands about vaguely.

"...getting a peanut butter lisp while trying in vain to distract me with sex?"

Fei glanced down at Akihito's lap with a smirk. "Not tho vain." He frowned and cleared his throat. "I need a drink."

Akihito rolled his eyes and handed him the Peppermint Schnapps. Then he looked around for something, anything that could distract him. His eyes fell on.... "Ryu must have picked this one out."

He handed the GI Joe to Fei. "Here. His fashion sense is terrible. Tao will be heartbroken. Design him a new wardrobe."

Fei coughed a little from downing the liquor. His eyes narrowed. "Don't you try to distract – that _is_ an ugly uniform, isn't it?"

Akihito bit his lip. Then with a sigh returned to the peanut butter covered bike gears.

 

\--

 

_A bundle of toys he had flung on his back..._

 

"Santa," Gary said in a squeaky voice, nervously checking over his shoulder, "are you sure this is where he lives?"

"It seems too easy, doesn't it? Stay on your toes, Gary. The attack could come at any moment."

Santa took a minute to glance around again. _Nice place._ He put his glasses on and checked the list again. 

_Liu Fei Long. Oh, I remember him. Nice kid, but then he became very naughty for a long time. What's he been up to this year? Hmm, that brawl isn't good at all. Minus 300 points there. But what's this? He made up to the other boy and they're both living here now as lovers? Well, that makes things quite a bit different._

"Gary, do we still have that first edition of Yeats?"

Gary stuck his body deep into the bag and pulled out a dusty book. He blew the cover off and wiped it with his sleeve.

"Is this what you want Santa?"

Santa gently opened it. Perfect. A lovely book of romantic poetry, just right. With a blink he wrapped it in velvet and set it on a table near the Christmas tree.

_Well, then the other probably deserves some sort of gift as well. Let's see..._

_Takaba Akihito. Oh. Oh no. The poor boy. To have been_ his _playtoy for years. Only to be permanently in his clutches now._

Santa felt tears rolling down his cheeks. He'd made a grievous error, ignoring the poor child for all these years. How could he ever make it up to him?

He cast his mind through his bag of gifts. His thoughts slid across that one at the back. Then slid back again. It was a gift that wasn't to be given lightly. But if anyone deserved it, this boy did.

"Gary. Get _it_ out."

Gary's eyes grew big and round. "It?" His voice squeaked more.

Santa suppressed the urge to cuddle the little guy. "Yes. I think it's time we use _it_."

"But Santa..."

He spoke gently. "Do it, and remember this moment so you can tell your grandchildren about it."

Gary sniffed. "Thank you Santa." 

Gary reached deep into the bag and pulled out a small black box. He lifted the gold chain around his neck and grasped the gold key dangling from the end, then fit it into the small keyhole. He took a deep breath and turned the key. The box popped open to reveal a small red button inside.

He looked up at Santa, and Santa nodded. 

Gary pushed the button. 

Nothing happened.

"Santa?"

Santa's eyes were unfocused, as if listening to something. "Hmm? Oh, it worked. It just won't show up until after we leave. No sense in starting it too early."

He smiled.

"Alright Gary. Our work here is done. Let's get the hell out of here."

There was a thud as a weighted rubber net dropped from the ceiling, trapping them inside.

 

\--

_The children were nestled, all snug in their beds..._

 

Tao looked up from his laptop. He knew where his father and Uncle Akihito were. But what had caused _that_?

He listened a moment more, but then decided it was just the house settling. It was chilly that evening, so he pulled his comforter up around his shoulders before leaning back against the headboard. Then he turned his music up and put his headphones back on, smiling at the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies.

 

\--

 

_When what to my wondering eyes should appear..._

 

Santa swore vehemently. He'd let his guard down at that last gift. He stilled as the tall man in black strode into the room.

"So. You finally caught me. Congratulations. Is this some kind of idiotic 'you didn't leave me a present when I was little' cliché?"

Asami walked over to stand above him. All he did was stare. He reached into his suit for his cigarettes, and his hands shook slightly as he lit one up. They calmed noticeably as he drew on it. His eyes held nothing but contempt. He pulled his gun out and pointed it at Santa's head.

"You son of a bitch. Don't you even know me?" 

Santa's mouth twisted. "How could I not? You've molested my elves. You've shot at my reindeer. Rudolph has to wear a light bulb prosthetic thanks to you nailing his nose."

"Yeah, and you managed to escape each time. But that's not what I'm talking about. Maybe you remember this better. Asami Himiko."

Santa shook his head, puzzled.

"Try 36 years ago, early December, being picked up at an office party. Slum much? Going back to a small apartment." He took out a photo. "Building look familiar?"

Santa paled.

"Yeah, you remember now, don't you? Say your prayers, Santa."

The door opened. 

"Fei, I don't care how drunk you are, if you ever, Ever Again, stick peanut butter up my God Asami are you going to shoot Santa Claus?!"

A very wobbly Fei slammed into the back of Akihito, who had come to a dead stop while carrying a bike. Fei carried a bearded doll in a wedding dress, complete with trousseau. He giggled and sang, " _I saw Asami killing Santa Claus..._ "

Asami rolled his eyes. "Akihito, leave. And take Julie Andrews there with you."

Akihito sighed. "No. I'm not going to let you kill Santa without a good explanation." He stopped and ran a hand into his already rumpled hair. "My God, did I just say that?"

Fei tossed his hair over his shoulder, and inadvertently the doll as well, and sashayed unsteadily across the floor. All eyes followed him. Even Asami's gun wavered. 

He sank onto the sofa in a perfect 20's vamp pose. "Santa." His voice was throaty. "Have I been good this year? You know, when I'm good I'm very good." He lay down on his side and slid a hand up his thigh and over his hip. "But when I'm bad I'm better." He rolled onto his back and raised his arms and broke into song. " _How do you solve a problem like A-sa-mi..._ "

Akihito stared, then just pretended that didn't happen. He set the bike down and walked rather stiffly over to stand over the netted duo, examining them critically. "Is that supposed to be a Christmas elf? Since when do Christmas elves shop at the Gap?"

Gary had been huddled in a tiny ball, but at the insult glared up. "At least I don't dress like a reject from a Tears for Fears video! Nice collar, Mr 80's."

" _Ry-u-i-chi wants to rule the world..._ "

Akihito grabbed Gary through the net and hissed at him. "You are so lucky you didn't mention Cyndi Lauper."

" _Asami just wants to have fuh-un.._ "

Akihito glared at Asami. "Let _me_ shoot the elf."

Asami closed his eyes. "Can this possibly get any worse?" 

 

The door gently swung open and Tao stepped in. He rubbed his eyes. He picked up Wedding GI Joe. It was the least strange thing in the room. "You'd think that by now I'd know better than to enter a room with a closed door in this house."

He picked his way gingerly across the room, pausing only to stare at Akihito strangling a fashionably dressed dwarf wrapped in rubber netting. Akihito let the guy slide to the floor and patted him on the head.

Tao stopped by the couch and bent down and sniffed. "Dad, have you been into the Schnapps?"

"Tao. Baby. Come here and let papa sing to you."

"Dad, GI Joe's army gear doesn't really match the rest of his trousseau. I don't suppose you could...?" He handed the doll to his father.

"Say no more, baby. Let papa fix it." Fei pulled the knife from his arm sheath and began slicing through threads.

Knowing his father would be occupied for hours, Tao turned back to the others.

Akihito sheepishly rubbed a hand through his hair. "Tao, uh, I know this looks strange..."

"Strange doesn't begin to cover it." He sniffed. "What have _you_ been into? I can figure out the peppermint, but where's the peanut butter smell coming from?"

Akihito turned bright red.

"Oh God. It's like the turkey feathers, isn't it? Don't tell me then. Just don't tell me." 

He turned his attention to the pair on the floor. "So who's the dwarf and why were you killing him?"

Gary whined. "Not a dwarf. A Christmas elf. Santa's helper."

"Riiiight. And this must be Santa himself. Rather than a burglar who broke into our home tonight. What's in that sack St. Nick?"

Santa reached in and pulled out the new Xbox. 

Tao's eyes widened. "Oh my God. You really are Santa Claus. No one else could possibly get the new Xbox." 

He turned to Asami. "Uncle Ryuichi, this guy really is Santa! Why do you want to shoot him? Look at all the presents he brought."

Tao turned and ran to the tree. "Look, and there's even one for Dad, and here's a note for Uncle Akihito, and I'm sure there's one for you...." Tao looked at bit longer, his enthusiasm dying until he stood there, silent. When he turned, Santa had never been so scared of the eyes of a twelve year old.

Tao walked back over to where Santa sat on the floor. His voice was deceptively quiet. "I'm sure you simply hadn't gotten around to Uncle Ryuichi's present yet, isn't that right Santa? I'm sure you're going to reach into that sack and pull out the most wonderful present in the world for him, aren't you?"

Santa stammered, "I...well.."

Akihito stepped up next to Tao, eyes narrowed. "You didn't leave Ryu a present? No wonder he wanted to shoot you, you bastard."

Fei got up and unsteadily walked over to stand with the others. He pulled a slippered foot back and kicked Santa, then turned and went back to his place on the sofa.

Asami sniffed and wiped his eyes. "You guys..."

They blinked.

Asami smirked. "Just kidding." He came over to Tao and stood by him, looking down at Santa. "He hasn't left a present since that one he gave my mother 36 years ago. Isn't that right? Dad?"

Tao's mouth dropped open. 

Akihito sat abruptly on the floor next to Gary, who promptly began sobbing. 

Fei just nodded sagely as he added lace to Joe's canteen. "That explains a lot." 

Akihito looked up, confused. "That doesn't explain anything. So, what, you're half fairy?"

Gary glared. "It's 'magically enabled' if you don't mind, you Reese's piece. ME's for short."

Akihito slapped the back of Gary's head. "Emmies is better than fairies?" He squinted his eyes, trying to puzzle it out. "So Asami's a semi-Emmie?" He started giggling.

Asami closed his eyes.

Tao tugged at his sleeve. "Santa is my Grandpa? Really?" His face glowed as he began dreaming of the possibilities.

Santa sighed. "I didn't know, Ryuichi."

"How the hell could you not know? You know everything about every kid on earth."

Santa glared. "Even I didn't have DNA testing back then." He wilted slightly. "To be honest, I didn't want Mrs. Claus to find out about that night, so I never came back to check. Hundreds of years and this was my one slip up."

Gary wailed. "Oh Santa. You've been _naughty_!"

"Shut up, Gary. No one's a saint."

Tao stopped shining a moment. "Uh, _you're_ supposed to be, _Saint_ Nicholas."

Santa shook his head. "They stripped me of that title when I sold out for the Coke endorsement in the '20s."

Asami looked at him in disgust. "You know, at first I thought she'd picked up some department store Santa and couldn't tell the difference. But then things started happening when I hit puberty. An odd ability to move in and out of locations quickly. Always knowing what some people are doing, and where they are. "

"Son of a bitch." Akihito muttered.

"Instinctively knowing who's naughty. That one was fun. But the desire to dress in red furry robes and overeat was not. I've not let myself have a dessert in years because of you."

Santa hung his head. "I'm truly sorry, Ryuichi."

Asami stuck his gun back in the holster. "Shit, I don't even want to kill you any more. You're pathetic. If I had a son..." 

He paused, startled, and looked down at Tao. His arm snaked out around Tao's waist and pulled him back against his chest. "My son will never be without his fathers. He will never know what it is to be abandoned. And he will never, by God, ever have to chase his father down at gunpoint just to be acknowledged."

Tao smiled and held onto the arm around his waist.

Santa looked up at Asami. "Is that what you want? Acknowledgment? I know that you're telling the truth, and that you're my son. Do you want to be acknowledged as the heir?"

Asami's eyes widened, then narrowed to slits. "Don't you dare threaten me with that. It's the last thing I want. In fact, I find I no longer want anything from you. I have a family, and you are not a part of it."

He reached down and pulled the net off of the pair. "Scram."

Santa slowly stood, brushing his suit off. "You know Ryuichi, you have been extremely naughty through the years, but I can still see that you're a son to be proud of."

His words seemed to have no effect as Asami stared at him, stone-faced. He sighed and offered a hand to the elf. "Let's go, Gary."

Akihito turned his head. "Gary? His name is Gary? Gary the Christmas elf?" He dissolved into laughter.

Gary shook his head sadly. "And to think we wasted _it_ on him." He scampered to the chimney, paused and lifted his hand to Akihito in a internationally recognized salute, then disappeared upward.

Santa walked slowly to the chimney. He too paused when he got there. "I know it's late to offer this, but if you ever do need help, just find a reindeer and whisper in its ear." Their mouths gaped and he shrugged. "We don't have cell phone service at the North Pole yet."

He faced Asami. "I will be back next year. Until then, Merry Christmas!"

He smirked and threw up a handful of confetti, then dashed up the chimney. And when the confetti started falling around the room it turned into hundreds of silk neckties.

 

"The smartass." Asami actually looked amused. 

Akihito was horrified. "Oh my God, why couldn't they all have been clip-ons?"

The ties changed.

Everyone froze.

Akihito spoke slowly. "And patterned in green and brown stripes."

They were suddenly surrounded by hideous ties.

A smile slowly spread across his face. "And it would be nice if we all had anime hair."

He choked as Asami's hair promptly became a purple pompadour, and Fei's hair turned an electric blue. He laughed until he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His own hair was a sickly green that matched the ties. 

Tao looked at himself and saw only short black hair. "Thank goodness for anime high school boys."

"Akihito." The voice was soft and dangerous. "I suggest you change it back."

Fei was gaping at Asami. "Wait, wait, I want to see mine first." He lurched to his feet and faced the mirror. He gasped. "I look like a princess." He spun about and promptly fell over. "Aki," he said from the floor, "make me a ball gown."

Akihito closed his eyes and imagined Cinderella. 

"Oooooh! It's perfect. Tao, come and dance with me. That's it. _Some day, my prince will come..._ "

Asami groaned. "Where's a reindeer when you need it?"

Akihito tore his eyes from the vision before him. He winced at the purple hair and tie. They turned back to normal. "I think I'll leave Fei as is. He seems to be enjoying it. At least until I can get some pictures to blackmail him with."

Asami slipped his arms around Akihito's waist. Akihito looked up at him and smiled. "It looks like my wishes are coming true. Is there anything you want that I could give you?"

Asami tightened his arms. "I've pretty much got all I need right here."

"Pretty much?"

"Well, there is one thing..."

He bent and whispered in Akihito's ear.

Akihito started laughing. "You pervert! Let's do it. Someplace where Tao won't interrupt, or we'll never hear the end of it."

"As if he'd be surprised after the feathers."

"He is _not_ seeing me with kitty ears and a tail."

Tao shouted. "I heard that!"

"Shit."

"Come on, kitten."

They sidled out of the room and raced up the stairs.

 

\--

 

Gary fidgeted in the sleigh. 

"Santa?"

"Hmm?"

"Would you mind if I changed my name back to Bikkie? And went back to my old clothes?"

Santa looked pained. "No, but do you have to wear the boots?"

"Nah. I kind of like these little leather biker boots anyway."

Santa looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Why the change?"

"Well, it seems like you can be happy by just taking your own road and being yourself."

Santa snorted, then reached into his suit for a cigar. His yearly Fuente. He bit the end off and spit it out, then lit it with a bit of magic. _Mmm._

"It's a nice thought. But how do you get that idea from the house we just visited? Look at the list. Look at all the terrible things that happened throughout their lives. Half are their own faults."

"Maybe. But they're happy now. And I think it's because they're being themselves, and they have people who love them knowing that."

Santa blew out some smoke rings which promptly dissolved in the wind. "You're smarter than you look."

"Thanks Santa!" Bikkie yawned. "I'm really tired after all that. I'm gonna sleep now..." And he curled up in his seat and did just that. 

_They're so damned cute when they're quiet._

Santa cocked his head a minute, looking in at the house he'd left behind. Everything seemed happy there. Fei and Tao were dancing. _Nice hair._ Akihito and Asami were – he inhaled a lungful of cigar smoke and started coughing so harshly he had to pull over and park on a cloud.

He really hadn't known the boy was his son, though he'd suspected. There were similarities, and that should have made him look into it sooner. But at least he had been able to walk out of there alive today. Things might just get better. And they had plenty of time to work it out after all. _Once he notices the other two aging much faster than he does, he'll be at my door demanding help._

Time to get home to "Mrs." Claus. If the elves were going to go back to being themselves, maybe he could finally talk Franz into it. He looked so silly in that dowdy old woman's clothing and white wig. Though the lingerie he wore underneath was always nice. And he looked good in just a necktie too. He smirked and hung the last silk tie over his shoulder, and headed for home.

 

_And they heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,  
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! _

 

~end~


End file.
